Staying Connected When You Have a Young Child
By Yun Pang, Psychotherapist, LMSW
The birth or the adoption of a child is an exciting moment full of joy, hope and anticipation. But this new stage in life also brings with it many challenges for the parents as individuals and as a couple.
New parents face many questions and are easily overwhelmed by stress. Mothers may have to deal with postpartum depression or the fear that their child hasn’t yet formed an emotional bond with them. Fathers may feel inadequate and left out at first. Both parents may be exhausted from sleepless nights and the physical and emotional demands of caring for a young child.
Couples must find a way to stay connected even as they struggle with each other over child-care responsibilities, household chores or setting limits with their child or children. These disagreements have their roots in the different beliefs we bring from our own family experiences and are reinforced by cultural and societal values. How we were brought up often influences our interactions with our partner.
Couples often have problems finding time or space for one another after the arrival of a new baby. Having a child changes their relationship and life style. Many couples talk only about their child at the end of the day. They forget to check-in with each other and know very little about their partner’s feelings and thoughts.
Many couples let months or even years go by without paying enough attention to each other’s emotional and physical needs. The child has taken center stage. If this pattern continues, one or both of the partners end up feeling unsupported, under-appreciated and unsatisfied with each other.
Marital conflict can make children feel insecure. Children thrive in a safe and secure environment. The best way to create that environment is to stay connected and emotionally close to your partner. Recognize that having a child is a time for growth and learning but also time of stress and conflicts. You need to communicate to each other your expectations about childcare and how having a child might have changed your relationship. Openly discuss feelings about being a mother or a father, making sure to talk about both the joys as well as fears about parenting. You also need to discuss how to share parenting, financial and household responsibilities.
At this stage in your relationship, don’t forget that you are mates as well as parents. Schedule time for each other on a weekly basis. This may sound unromantic but it’s important to find time just for the two of you. Try not to talk about your child or children during this special time. It’s not just a time for talking and sharing but also a time for being physically intimate. Good parental relations are important for your child’s healthy development. Having a child can be the most wondrous experience any couple can share as long as they stay connected.